Good advice from a parent at GC-AS

This post was just too important not to share.

We received this from the Greater Akron Chapter-ASA.

(Thanks, Michelle Cahoon & Joy Spencer)

Every child is an individual...even down to their communication and how they perceive their life and what is important. This does not escape our children who live in the Autism Spectrum. My brother lives outside the frame as does my son....so let's jump out of the frame with them. This style of complimenting....sentence structure is effective with kiddos who have PDD, PDD-NOS and Autism.

Good advice from a parent at GC-AS (Cleveland web group):

We all want to support our children and teenagers with AS. We use praise and compliments in our efforts to increase their confidence and self-esteem. But the usual compliments that neurotypicals give are based on "social acceptance" and therefore do not make sense to the person with AS. Good intentions at praise may not being having the effect we expect, for the person with AS.

Dr. Tony Attwood lectures on compliments:

1. He teaches clients with AS how to give compliments to neurotypicals (with formulas as to how often and what they must contain because neurotypicals are so "socially-needy" ); 2. Alternatively, he mentions that when a neurotypical gives a compliment to an Aspie, it must appeal to their logic, not social acceptance.

This has intrigued me since I heard it. I have become very astute at how I phrase statements in communicating with my young adult son, especially praise. Below are some examples of "converting" what we usually say as compliments into Aspie-logical compliments. They involve switching from "I" statements to "You" statements AND giving some concrete acknowledgement of the accomplishment, stressing intelligence over social aspects. If others have compliments or statements that meet these Aspie requirements, I'm all ears. I need to get good at Aspie-speak; I think it is a two-way street: I learn things from my son; he keeps learning how to get along in the neurotypical world. (If we create a good list of statements, I can compile a file to be posted for reference.)

THE BIGGIE:Typical Neurotypical Compliment:"I'm so proud of you!" (social acceptance of speaker; Aspie is not seeking social acceptance, nor is it logical to relate what was done to another's pride; cannot put themselves into viewing the other person's pride)

Aspie-logical Compliment:"That was a smart thing to do!" (recognizing use of intelligence to solve a problem) [This has become my all-time useful statement. I think I have accidently used it with neurotypicals, too, and they feel acknowledged. ]

Neurotypical Compliment:I'm really glad you changed your mind. (social acceptance)
Aspie-logical Compliment:"You thought about that a lot and made an even better decision." (concrete acknowledgement of process the person went through to get to outcome)Neurotypical Compliment:"Grandma will like the one you picked out!" (social acceptance of another)Aspie-logical compliment:"You know Grandma likes blue. You made a good choice for her because she would have picked blue."

Neurotypical Compliment:"I like your dress." (or tie, or suit) (social acceptance; may be misinterpreted by an Aspie, creating confusion and distress: Why does she like my dress? What if she wants it? Why doesn't she buy her own dresses she likes? Is she going to take my dress?)Aspie-oriented compliment: "Your blue dress looks very pretty with your dark brown hair. You look grown up." "That suit makes you look older, like an intelligent business man. You look handsome." (concrete comparisons)

Neurotypical Compliment:"I'm so glad you ate all your peaches." (social acceptance)

Aspie-logical Compliment"You are making some good choices about eating healthy food."

Neurotypical Compliment:"It makes me so happy to know you did that all by yourself!" (social acceptance)

Aspie-logical Compliment"You were smart to figure that out all by your self. You must feel proud." (emphasis on intelligence and then giving a word to describe the child's internal state [pride] due to the accomplishment, modeling a feeling into words)

This type of sentence construction has allowed me to have longer conversations with my son. I think he is less frustrated because I "get it" (at least some of the time now). At some level, beyond the words, that is comforting and reassuring to him (and me).

One respondee stated...And if it makes sense with compliments, I'm sure there are so many other situations that could use some good 'translating' -- I'm thinking especially of discipline or other confrontational times.